When You Lose Someone
For most people who have lost a close family member or friend, grief brings intense suffering. Many people experience that suffering as sadness and sorrow in every area of life.
There are physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects to grieving. Most people become aware that nothing will ever be the same as it was before the death of their loved one.
Grief is highly individualized. This means that each person responds to grief differently according to:
- How the family member or friend was lost
- The grieving person’s personality
- Social norms within the grieving person’s culture and family
- Other stressors in the grieving person’s life
- The grieving person’s history of coping with other losses
The loss of a spouse or partner creates a grief with many layers. The companionship and daily routines of a core relationship are lost. The surviving partner may feel adrift and unable to manage the tasks and duties the partner used to do. The very person they would have shared their darkest moments with is now unable to provide comfort or support.
For surviving partners who were caregivers during illness, the caregiver role is lost along with the other roles in the relationship. Surviving caregiver partners often enter grief already emotionally exhausted.
When loss of a partner occurs in early adulthood, a future with the partner is lost. The surviving partner may be challenged by single-parenthood and supporting their children emotionally on their own. Loss of a partner in midlife brings financial changes, the necessity of addressing needs of teenaged or young adult children, and the loss of half a lifetime with the partner. Loss of a partner when aging can cause the surviving partner to face financial setbacks, dependency issues, and a higher risk of physical illness and social isolation.
The loss of a life partner means the loss of a companion, lover, friend, and helpmate. The one with whom was shared burdens, pleasures, decisions, and the details of daily life. One’s personal sense of self is most directly associated with that of the life partner. The death of a partner may bring significant changes in one’s identity.
Caring Connections offers grief support groups focused on the loss of a spouse or partner.
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Braestrup, K. (2007). Here if you need me: A true story. New York, NY: Back Bay Books.
Caine, L. (1988). Being a widow. Bergenfield, NJ: Penguin Publishing.
Campbell, S. & Silverman, P. (1987). Widower: When men are left alone. Old Tappan, NJ: Prentice Hall Press.
Christensen, A. (2015). The path of 8: It begins on a mountain, moves around it, and then moves it. Bloomington, IN: Balboa Press.
Feinberg, L. S. (2004). I’m grieving as fast as I can: How young widows and widowers can cope and heal. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press.
Felber, M. (2008). Finding your way after your spouse dies. Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press.
Greene, P. (2003). It must have been moonglow: Reflections on the first year of widowhood. New York, NY: Villard Press.
Heinlein, S., Brumett, G., & Tibbals, J. (1997). When a lifemate dies: Stories of love, loss and healing. Minneapolis: Fairview Press.
Lewis, C. S. (1961). A grief observed. New York: Harper & Row.
Mabry, R. L. (2017). Tender scar: Life after the death of a spouse. Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications
Wheeler, B.R. (2012). When a spouse dies: What I didn’t know about helping myself and others through grief. Springville, UT: Plain Sight Publishing.
A particular challenge of sibling grief is that it tends to be minimized in our society. Overall, more value is placed on the parent–child and romantic relationships than on the sibling bond. This is tragic, as the sibling bond is the longest attachment of life; the relationship with our parents is likely to end in our middle age, and relationships with spouse and subsequent children and grandchildren do not begin until adulthood. The sibling bond is our only relationship, excepting childhood friendship, that can conceivably span our entire lifetime.
When a sibling dies, the sudden reality of a death may be too much for families to accept all at once, and the needs of the siblings can be overshadowed by the needs of others in the family. This can leave grieving siblings lonely. Siblings may feel that they cannot share their feelings with an overburdened family. The failure of others to recognize the loss siblings experience may lead to feelings of frustration and abandonment.
Siblings have different needs in grief. Many times, siblings will experience a loss of identity, as their self-image is related to the person lost. They may be coping not only with the loss of a sibling, but also with the loss of functional parents.
When a young child has died, leaving young siblings, parents and other adult family members need to provide special care to surviving siblings.
- Accept your child(ren)'s feelings. Allow them to grieve in their own way and encourage the expression of feelings.
- Work on your own grief. Express any sadness, anger, and frustration. Parents and children may be drawn together by sharing each other's grief.
- Spend time regularly with each child. This will offer assurance that they are loved. Show them that they are as important as the lost sibling is.
- Help the surviving children find healthy ways to remember the deceased child. In age-appropriate ways, have the siblings write down memories in a journal, organize photos in a special album, and/or draw pictures of memories and shared activities.
- Give each child time to experience grief in his or her own way.
Take special care with changes in the deceased child’s room and with their possessions, involving siblings in discussion and decisions.
Caring Connections offers grief support groups focused on the loss of a family member or friend.
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DeVita-Raeburn, E. (2004). The empty room: Understanding sibling loss. New York, NY: Scribner Publishing.
When an adult child loses a parent, they lose a part of the connection to their own history. The loss has a large impact no matter what the relationship is between parent and child. When a loving and healthy relationship ends in the death of a parent, the child loses the support and love from the relationship. In difficult or broken relationships, the grieving child may struggle to accept that a positive relationship with the parent will now never come.
Adult children often have to provide support to the surviving parent, their siblings, and their own children grieving their grandparent. One of the challenges adult children face when coping with the loss of a parent is the need to be “strong” for other family members. It’s important for individuals to take time for their own grief, even when others need their support.
Caring Connections offers grief support groups focused on the loss of a family member or friend.
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Chethik, N. (2001). FatherLoss. New York: Hyperion Books.
Edelman, H. (2006). Motherless daughters: The legacy of loss. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.
Mundy, L. (2004). Grieving the loss of a parent. St. Meinrad, IN: One Caring Place Abbey Press.
Losing a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or perinatal death is a devastating form of loss with unique challenges. In addition to losing a future with the baby, parents have few memories of the child to carry into their own lives. Following the death, parents may go home to a prepared but unused nursery. Many parents find that photos taken and keepsakes such as blankets and baby caps are especially meaningful.
Mothers may experience hormonal changes, shock and numbness, and physical pain for several weeks following the death of a baby. Couples may feel under supported in the loss of a baby. Well-meaning people may make unhelpful comments about the loss being “for the best,” urge them to have another pregnancy or be grateful for other children. Such comments dismiss the loss and ignore the parents’ love for the child who died.
Men and women may grieve the loss of a baby differently. Women may share feelings more easily, show emotions more readily, and experience emotion with greater intensity. Women may be more willing to ask for help, and may report a stronger bond with the baby. Men may talk less and use distraction as a way to cope. They may suppress emotion to be strong or to protect the baby’s mother. Men are more likely to grieve alone and strive to retain independence and masculinity. Finally, men may suffer from less opportunity for a physical attachment to the baby.
As with all losses, changes in relationships are inevitable. For grieving parents, they may be particularly hard. Here are some tips for couples that have lost a baby:
• Recognize that you both are in a lot of pain.
• Know that you may show your pain and feelings in different ways.
• Be patient and caring with each other.
• Try to keep talking about your thoughts and feelings. Don’t shut each other out.
• Allow yourself to grieve.
• Expect a variety of emotions.
• Talk about how you want to remember your baby.
• Obtain grief support within the relationship AND outside the relationship.
National Share: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Program is a volunteer support program providing information and care to parents who have lost a pregnancy or infant. Their number is 800-821-6819.
Utah Share can be reached at 801-272-5355 or info@shareparentsofutah.org.
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Barkin, C., & Mitchell, E. (2009). Beyond tears: Living after losing a child. New York: St. Martins Griffin.
Bernstein, J. R. (1998). When the bough breaks: Forever after the death of a son or daughter. Kansas City, MO: Andrews & McMeel.
Floyd, G. (2012). A grief unveiled: one fathers journey through the death of a child, fifteen years later. Brewster, MA: Paraclete Press.
Gilbert, L. (2011). Journey to the Dance. Dallas, TX: Ramey Writings LLC.
Grossman, R. (2011). My Shoshana: A father’s journey through loss. Savage, MD: Eschel Books.
Hood, A. (2009). Comfort: A journey through grief. New York: W.W. Norton & Co.
Knapp, R. J. (1986). Beyond endurance: When a child dies. Westminster, MD: Schocken Books, Random House.
Lyons, C. (2015). Along came hope: A memoir. Park City, UT: Silver Dollar Press, a division of Lucky Penny Publishing, LLC.
McCracken, A. & Semel, M. (1998). A broken heart still beats: After your child dies. Center City, MN: Hazelden Books.
Parker, A. (2017). An unseen angel: A mother’s story of faith, hope and healing after Sandy Hook. Salt Lake City, UT: Ensign Peak.
Rosof, B. (1994). The worst loss: How families heal from the death of a child. New York: Henry Holt.
Schiff, H. S. (1988). The bereaved parent. London: Penguin Books.
Losing a child is a terrible trauma. The death of a child is an event outside the natural expectations of life. Nothing can adequately prepare a parent for this loss. In her book, The Worst Loss: How Families Heal From the Death of a Child, Barbara Rosof (1994) describes what parents lose when a child dies. These losses include the loss of a piece of yourself, the loss of the illusion that we can protect our children, the loss of order in our universe, and the loss of the future.
The loss of a child may be traumatic for the relationship of the parents. Parents may have difficulty supporting each other, as the death of a child deeply painful for each of them. Often, partners want to be strong for each other and choose that over sharing their emotions and connecting. Parents may feel failure and helplessness or may blame each other for the death. Grieving parents require time and nurturing. Parents need support from each other but require care from those outside the partnership, as well.
The Compassionate Friends exists to provide support to parents who have lost a child. To locate their local chapter, contact the Compassionate Friends National Headquarters:
The Compassionate Friends
48660 Pontiac Trail
Wixom, MI 48393
877-969-0010
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Barkin, C., & Mitchell, E. (2009). Beyond tears: Living after losing a child. New York: St. Martins Griffin.
Bernstein, J. R. (1998). When the bough breaks: Forever after the death of a son or daughter. Kansas City, MO: Andrews & McMeel.
Floyd, G. (2012). A grief unveiled: one fathers journey through the death of a child, fifteen years later. Brewster, MA: Paraclete Press.
Gilbert, L. (2011). Journey to the Dance. Dallas, TX: Ramey Writings LLC.
Grossman, R. (2011). My Shoshana: A father’s journey through loss. Savage, MD: Eschel Books.
Hood, A. (2009). Comfort: A journey through grief. New York: W.W. Norton & Co.
Knapp, R. J. (1986). Beyond endurance: When a child dies. Westminster, MD: Schocken Books, Random House.
Lyons, C. (2015). Along came hope: A memoir. Park City, UT: Silver Dollar Press, a division of Lucky Penny Publishing, LLC.
McCracken, A. & Semel, M. (1998). A broken heart still beats: After your child dies. Center City, MN: Hazelden Books.
Parker, A. (2017). An unseen angel: A mother’s story of faith, hope and healing after Sandy Hook. Salt Lake City, UT: Ensign Peak.
Rosof, B. (1994). The worst loss: How families heal from the death of a child. New York: Henry Holt.
Schiff, H. S. (1988). The bereaved parent. London: Penguin Books.
According to the CDC, in 2018 there were 21.21 deaths per 100,000 people related to drug poisoning each year in Utah. There were 67,367 total drug overdose deaths in the United states in 2018.
Many overdose deaths are related to opioids. Almost 42,000 people in the United States died from opioids in 2016. This is 28% more than in 2015. Overall, Utah ranked 20th in the rate of drug-overdose deaths in 2016—about 22.3 deaths per 100,000 people. Utah is one of 22 states with an overdose rate higher than the national average.
Friends and family members struggle to make sense of the overdose death in someone dearly loved. Grief experts warn that those who have lost someone to overdose death may never fully understand the circumstances of the death.
Families affected by drug-overdose death face unfair social stigma. They frequently lack support from family, friends and the community. If the person who died had a long struggle with addiction, surviving family members may feel bitterness towards failed substance treatment or the criminal justice system.
Society’s message is that someone who died from overdose was in some way a failure. These biases may lead to others devaluing the person’s life, without real information about addiction. Addiction is a powerful and little-understood experience. People affected by drug overdose death should avoid blaming the person who died and avoid self-blame.
For many, the process of grieving a death to overdose includes intense feelings of anger, guilt, and shame. The very senselessness of overdose death makes survivors anxious and filled with doubt. Surviving family members or friends who had been caring for or financially supporting a person with addiction or persistent mental illness who dies by overdose might feel relieved that their responsibility has ended, and then feel guilty for feeling relief. Survivors may experience some or all of these complicated thoughts and emotions, and great care is needed to address them.
Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing (GRASP) was formed by parents who lost an adult child to drug overdose to assist other families coping with overdose grief. Visit their website at http://grasphelp.org/ for more information.
Caring Connections offers grief support groups focused on the loss to overdose.
An estimated 47,000 persons die by suicide in the United States annually. For every death by suicide, 135 persons—family members or friends—are impacted. Family and close friends of people who have died by suicide are often referred to as suicide-loss survivors.
The grief that suicide survivors experience is unique. For most survivors of suicide, the grieving process includes intense feelings of anger, guilt, and shame. The senselessness of suicide makes survivors anxious and filled with doubt. Surviving family members or friends who had been caring for or financially supporting a persistently mentally ill person who dies by suicide might feel relieved that their responsibility has ended, and then feel guilty for feeling relief. Survivors may experience some or all of these complicated thoughts and emotions, and great care is needed to address them.
The death of someone close to suicide can create distance between the survivors and those who would have been supportive in other forms of loss. Acquaintances “don’t know what to say” and their discomfort in a situation without social norms can lead to withdrawal when support is needed most. Similarly, survivors may feel shamed by this loss, and avoid seeking support.
Friends and family struggle to make sense of the act of suicide in someone dearly loved. Experts in suicide and suicide survivorship caution that survivors may never be able to understand the event. Edwin Schneidman, a psychologist who participated in pioneering work in suicide prevention and survivorship, described the suicidal person as having a “perturbed mind,” so unsettled that death is perceived as the only solution to life’s distresses.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention provides excellent educational resources.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness supports and educates those whose lives have been affected by mental illness.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors is a supportive website for survivors.
Caring Connections offers grief support groups focused on the loss to suicide.
According to the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children (POMC), 45,000 individuals are victims of homicide in the United States each year. These murders leave behind people grieving the loss of family members or friends.
Those surviving the loss of someone close to them by homicide experience shock, turmoil, and numbness. They face things like a need to identify the body, unpredictable reactions from friends and family members, dealings with the criminal-justice system and interactions with the media.
Several factors can affect the ability of survivors to cope with the homicide of a family member or friend:
- The relationship of the survivor to the murder victim.
- The survivor’s experience of personal vulnerability, anxiety, and compromised safety.
- The circumstances of the murder, including whether the survivor witnessed it.
- The relationship of the survivor to the murderer.
Victim advocates can explore legal guidance and financial support on their behalf. In addition, the can connect survivors to others who have lost someone to homicide. Often, the most comforting source of support are others who have survived this trauma. They have felt similar grief, intense anger, overwhelming loss, and have faced the unanswered question raised by senseless violence.
The Utah Office for the Victims of Crime holds an ongoing Utah Homicide Survivors group for individuals who have lost someone to homicide. Visit their website to join (http://www.utahhomicidesurvivors.org/) and call 801-500-9077 for more information.
Parents of Murdered Children (POMC) has chapters in most states. Chapters are made up of parents and other survivors who meet to talk about their loss and support each other. To find out if there is a chapter in your area visit http://www.pomc.com or email natlpomc@pomc.org.
Victim Support Services offers information and support for victims of crime. Visit http://victimsupportservices.org for more information. They can be reached at 425-252-6081 or 1-800-346-7555 (24-hour crisis line).
National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA) is especially helpful for families working with the criminal-justice system. The office can be reached at http://www.trynova.org, 703-535-6682, or 1-800-879-6682 (for victim services).
It is challenging for even the most loving and mature adults to discuss death with children. All adults, but especially parents who want to shield children from pain. Even as we recognize that children are preparing for life, we must recognize that they are also living in life now. Grief touches them and affects them.
Yet, children do grieve differently than adults. Supporting children of all ages requires sensitivity, tenderness, and a respect for each child’s personality. Here are some suggestions to help children understand death and what it means:
- Use simple words to tell that the death has happened.
• “When someone dies, it means their body no longer works. Their heart stops working and they can't breathe anymore.”
• “None of the parts of the body work. They can't hear, see, smell, talk, or move.” - Avoid words like “left us,” “gone away,” or “passed on.” The child may think the person is on a trip and will return. Do not hold out any false hope for return.
- Avoid describing death as “going to sleep.” Many young children become fearful of sleeping, night, or bedtime if they hear this expression as an explanation of death.
- Tell how the death happened. Use the medical terms—cancer, heart attack, etc.—to help differentiate between everyday sickness and diseases that cause death.
- Reassure that all their feelings are normal. Encourage the child to express his or her thoughts through words, drawings, and play. Let the child know that adults have these feelings too, and that people who are grieving the same loss often react very differently.
- Tell where the body has been taken and what will be done with the body.
- Give information about who will take care of them. Children have three basic questions.
• Did I cause this illness or death to happen?
• Will this eventually happen to me?
• Who will take care of me now? - Help kids understand that they are not all powerful. If they say, “I wish you were dead,” assure them it isn't going to come true.
- Try to maintain their routine as much as possible. Children need to feel secure in their home and school, and routine helps.
- Don't hide your tears. Let them know this is a sad time and it's perfectly normal to cry.
- Help them understand that things will get better.
- You may be surprised that children may grieve one minute and comfortably play in the next minute.
Adolescents and young adults experience the death of a close person in ways often different from adults. Teens require a balance of supportive presence and respect for privacy that can be challenging for caring adults to navigate. “Being available to listen without judgment, when I need it” is the request most often heard from grieving teens. As younger children do, teens “take a break” from grief, and this can lead adults to think their teens are “just fine.” Frequent revisits to the feelings and thoughts teens are having are necessary. In the case of a death in the family, parents may be grieving themselves and have less time and energy to devote to the needs of their teen and young-adult children. Teens, perhaps more than children of other ages, may feel the need to be strong for their parents. In the case of the death of a parent, teens are often told that they must now “be an adult,” and may be pushed to accept responsibility beyond their natural, developmental abilities.
Newborns to Age 3
- Can sense changes in routine
- Perceive excitement at home, sadness or anxiety, the presence of new people
- Notice parents being gone at odd times
- Notice that a significant person in their life is missing
- Notice changes in behavior (i.e., crankiness, altered sleep patterns, change in eating habits); if you notice these changes, you can respond more sensitively to their needs
Ages 3 to 6
- Think death is reversible: People will come back from death
- Draw conclusions that may not be accurate
- Wonder: Does this mean someone else is going to die? E.g. “Grandpa died from a headache; Mommy has headaches too” or “Old people die—Daddy is old—Will Daddy die too?” May feel responsible for the death; correct any misconceptions the child may have
- Explain that crying, feeling bad, and feeling angry are all normal.
Ages 6 to 9
- Most understand that death is final, but some might still believe that the dead person will come back
- Need a more detailed explanation; explain the difference between a fatal illness and just being sick (“It's not like when you get a stomach ache or a cold.”)
- Fears of losing a parent may be intensified when a single parent is raising the child.
- May also fear that death will come and take them; may not want to go into a house where someone has died
- Reassure that the emotions they are feeling are normal by sharing how you are feeling.
- Reassure that their thoughts or actions did not cause the death.
Ages 9 to 12
- More aware that death is final; also aware of the impact of death on family security and finances
- Think of death as punishment for bad behavior; may have guilt feelings for avoiding doing things for or with the person who died
- Interested in the biological details of what happened
- Sharing your thoughts and feelings in age-appropriate ways may help children open up about what they are experiencing.
Teenagers
- Are concerned with how to act, what to say, and where they fit in
- Need caring adults to be there to help them through their grief, understand their emotions, and teach them how to act in this crisis
Compassionate Friends is an organization with several Utah chapters focused on families experiencing loss. To find a chapter or resources, visit https://compassionatefriends.org.
The Sharing Place in Salt Lake City is another great resource for children who are grieving. You can find out more at https://thesharingplace.org or by calling 801-466-6730.
The Bradley Center in West Jordan also offers services for children and families who are grieving. Their website is https://bradleycentergrief.org and you can call them at 801-302-0220.
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Holmes, M. (1999). Molly’s Mom Died. (ages 5-11). Omaha, NE: Centering Corporation.
Holmes, M. (1999). Sam’s Dad Died. (ages 5-11). Omaha, NE: Centering Corporation.
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